shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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