She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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