I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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