i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
