i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
