I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Randomize
