the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize