How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
