You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
You're like the curious george of whores
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.