How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I could tell my life story through kermit memes