1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
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How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
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Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down