I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
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Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
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No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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