party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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