Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
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I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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