yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
