Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
