i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Hello my rib-scented angel!
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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