dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
