when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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