ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
