I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm both gender and math confused
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
