I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I want her autograph on my taint
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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