I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
