What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
