Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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