My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Randomize
