So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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