Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
