Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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