When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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