So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
