I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Who died my cat blue again?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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