once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
