I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
