The maid of honor just puked.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
