There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
