I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
