Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
