i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Don't EVER smell your tampon
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
