i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
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