i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
