$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
