Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
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He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
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If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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