I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Someone came in the potted fern
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
