thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
