Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
you would pick up someone in the library
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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