are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
