First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
