I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
