I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
