Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I think I just sharted jello shots
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
