I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
