I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
