I'm passing your future prison.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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