The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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