They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Actions speak louder than pants.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
